** Notepad rambles sometime after quitting my job, getting married, and being alone again - around December 2009 **
Packing whats left of my things for yet another move elsewhere. Its not the first time and it most certainly won't be the last. Short term goals have rearanged themselves in the calendar, others got lost out of forgetfulness. I remember, however, its loss. Goals or no goals, I look through the air and it looks back at me, as me. I snap into my own recognition and go back to packing.
There are terrible things in life I should be thankful for not experiencing. Like starvation, extreme ugliness, falling out of love, and others. I also realize that this line of thinking only occurs when many hours are spent alone, in consistency. Its the be-grateful-and-cultivate-awareness-loneliness-buster exercise. A prayer.
** End of transmission **
A few days into the new year 2010, soon to be remembered as the last chapter before the next one, alone in a hotel but not as lonely. I have the company of the city. The sound of activity can be a harsh reality when things like stillness can only be found elsewhere. In the fierceness of "We are not Alone" is its shadow. and after much rumination, battling and exhaustion, there is the arising, "So what."
There is nothing more steady than the moment after the worst. But that steady fix might be the last when we go worst after worst after worst. and when the worst fails to bring out the best, whats left is whats really the worst - Hard Work, Discipline, Focus - just some of the more deadly virtues. My indignation is something that goes back to ancient times, when growing up with the perfect faith didn't render perfect humans. As illogical as it may sound, it remains a tough habit to break and one that persists even after much exploration, meditation, and sex (a most revealing exercise possessing a wealth of wisdom). Any daredevil understands that the scariest things are the most simple and basic.
So. My resolutions for this year will include:
- grant yourself the luxury of simplicity
- be selfish, be truly selfish and forget everything wrong about it, then forgive yourself
- psychology is bogus. insist on creativity.
- be fit enough to live through many many adventures
- choose love